And God said unto Abraham, “Abraham.”
And Abraham replied, “What.”
God said to John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
And Judas approached the rabbis and Pharisees saying, “The one whom I kiss is the one you seek.”
To which they responded, “Gay.”
And thus, god made Eve. And she was bammin’ slammin’ bootylicious.
see you all in hell
Nothing will fuck up your twenties more than thinking you’re supposed to have your shit together.
I once had a guy tell me that I wasn’t “pretty enough to be his girlfriend, but I was pretty enough to fuck” after I told him that I had feelings for him.
(submitted by anonymous)